I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
