Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
