I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
