I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
