Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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