I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize