Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
