I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
