Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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