Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
