He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize