Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
