Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
