dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
