if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
