I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
