dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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