when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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