i jhust puked up my retainher.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
