Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
