i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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