I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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