Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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