Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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