just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
