My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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