i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize