why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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