I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
