Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
