Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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