Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
