he told me I talked like a deaf person
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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