Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
