I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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