To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize