I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
