winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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