i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
