I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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