Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He kissed a someone with a penis
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
