moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
