when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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