your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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