She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
