i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
