The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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