You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The Olympian is in my bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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