just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
