Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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