Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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