thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize