he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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