I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You made out with two different species that night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
