I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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