toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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