y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
