This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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