Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
it's great music for shaving your balls
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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